Saturday, 18 July 2009

In which I go to war

I've been thinking a lot since Thursday about my life, this is a weekly occurance. Since Thursday because I have therapy on Thursdays and I then tend to spend until Sunday thinking about where I am and where I am going, then come Monday I put it all in my handy little box and leave it there because I don't want to have to deal with it... Until I go to Therapy again and my Therapist brings it all up again.

It's this stupid cycle and I know I really need to face what I am thinking about and come to a decision or at least accept how things are. Not so easy when you spend all your childhood and young adult life dreaming of better places and things and living in your head. My therapist says this was my coping strategy during my childhood, and it served me well in those times when I didn't want to be where i was and experiencing what I was, but now I still do it, even though I have an amazing husband and a perfect little boy. I still live somewhere else, wishing for somewhere else... Even though I am happy. Am I happy? I am pretty sure I am but then I wonder if that's me just making myself believe that so I don't have to deal with what it means if I am not happy.

I am happy. yes. But I did not expect to be here. Not in England. I know I yearn for my homeland, I crave it so badly but with the economy it is a waiting game of when my husband will get a job over seas. A waiting game...Just an FYI here, I am the most impatient person in the world.

Husband and I are going for a drink and a "talk" today so we can discuss the current situation with moving back to America and so we can make a plan. I am nervous. My husband, he is a very good man, he is my best friend, we have so much fun, we work... But I need him to step up now and take responsibility and more than anything, reassure me.

On a final note I don't actually want to leave the UK right now, I just want to know I am going to be home by the end of next year.

I've got Margarita cupcakes in the oven, my house smells like alcohol. I'll blog about these when they are done because I did have a few problems due to the fact its an American recipe.

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