Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Contentment breeds rebellion and rebellions what we need if we're ever to be happy... I want to be happy.

Poor Son has a sore throat. Was up half the night with him comforting him through fits of coughing. He was fine this morning, sounded a bit horse but was his usual bubbly and rambunctious self so sent him off to nursery with the request to keep an eye on him and call me if he gets lethargic at all. I'm sure he'll be fine.

It's funny though how even though I know kids get cold, and they pick up every bug they come in contact with but I still some how feel responsible. I'm sure it's a general mother feeling that even though logic tells me I can't stop him from getting a cold (although of course I wouldn't send him out into the cold with wet hair etc. etc.) I still feel I have failed him some how.

I took a online quiz thing the other day and I found the results quite interesting because they essentially are similar to what my Therapist is trying to tell me. I'm not a believer of online quizzes btw, but this one made me think.

Eve completed the quiz "What's your biggest weakness?" with the result Soul.

You are intelligent and you think about life and philosophy and WHY to everything. A lot. But you are missing passion. You like to do creative things, but they often lack the soul behind it. You can make people laugh and beat your friends in an IQ test, but when it comes to living life to the fullest you are lost, even though you think you aren't. You think you are right, but underneath of it all you are confused. You are only guided by your mind which often leads you astray, but your soul rarely reflects in your life. You like to work hard for things and you think you deserve them, but you sometimes wonder why you are where you are. You need direction for your persistent and determined personality, but you aren't sure where to get it. .

This is slightly insulting, at least I take it that way, I suppose because no one wants to have their weakness blown into public but I read this and my first reaction was "bullshit, I've got soul! I'm full of passion"... which I like to think is true but when I read it and took it in all as one it starts to ring true.

My Therapist is constantly telling me to stop being so clinical. I spoke about it before, my defense mechanism, being able to pretend, but it also left me very detached. I am so "unflappable" because I am detached from most situations. I suppose another way of saying that is that I don't have any soul, so to speak, invested in the situation. It's very interesting and fascinating to look at it from this angle. And here you go! another perfect example! I am even detaching myself from this, looking at this diagnoses of mine very clinically. So frustrating that I can't just BE but also very safe.

It's also very conflicting because I generally think of myself as popular, funny, lively, happy and the "go to" girl for all my friends. And I am those things, but I am also, as said above "but when it comes to living life to the fullest you are lost, even though you think you aren't. You think you are right, but underneath of it all you are confused" This is true and I know this and this is exactly why I started seeing a Therapist.

"You need direction for your persistent and determined personality" And that is what I am doing in going to therapy.

So the out come I suppose is... You have to know and recognize your faults before you can fix them, yes? Step one down the path to self discovery? We shall see... This is all awfully deep for 10am in the morning. Maybe it's time for a tea and biscuit break.


Heavenly Housewife said...

Personally I think these tests are silly. I dont take them (nor do i read my horoscope). Ask yourself this "am i happy?" if the answer is yes, then don't let anyone tell u otherwise. if the answer is no, then there is something you need to work on.
now of course, there is always going to be something in life that we feel that can be better, but in general, if you are happy, who cares what a silly test says.

Eve said...

Thank HH. Though I didn't mean to indicate I was unhappy. I'm very happy in my life and like you, I don't believe those test, but it was just something that made me think because although I am happy and quite at peace with my life I am aware of those "skeletons" and while in the process of doing some self-spring cleaning am starting to discover new things about myself. I suppose it's not so much a journey for happiness, but a jounrey in getting to know and understand myself better.

Thank you thought for you kind words :)