Do you ever feel like you are missing something? Like maybe you should be doing something else, or you forgot to do something, or you are waiting for something... I suppose it's more a constant state of suspense. I am in waiting today. For what, I haven't the slightest. But I feel like I really want to do something, that I miss it, that I'm anxious because I forgot to start. I really wish I knew what it was. I doubt it is anything complicated nor life changing, most likely something social.
Ah wait, there it is. yup, It's just come back to me. I am in mourning, a sort of melancholy mourning. Mourning my old self, the self before motherhood. I do this often actually. Have a day or two when I am not sad but I feel bittersweet about life, and I think fondly back to those days when I could just go and do what I wanted to do. I think to myself "wouldn't it be just great if I could just go to a nice wine bar after work and maybe grab a bite to eat with friend?!"....wouldn't it just.
I find it odd that I feel like this sometimes, especially because of how very maternal I am. It's a dark conflict within myself that I have always lived with. This urge and craving to nurture, provide and care for the ones I love and then this willfulness to ditch all responsibilities, learn to be selfish and enjoy it.
Is this maybe a common things for mothers? I am totally dedicated to my most perfect Son, and I would never wish him away. But I day dream about the days that have passed and wonder to myself if there is some way I can have it back, have both. Have my damn cake and bloody well eat it.
I suspect if I was loaded this would probably be more attainable. S'ok though, I'll just keep it all as a dream for now. I'm going to go home and bake with my little boy now. Try to be as domestic as possible to wash out these sinful selfish thoughts.
Shame on me!
I have a question for you all; What do you miss?