Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Mummy or me?

Is it not beautiful? A work of art almost... I keep starring at it. That icy frosted glass...

Do you ever feel like you are missing something? Like maybe you should be doing something else, or you forgot to do something, or you are waiting for something... I suppose it's more a constant state of suspense. I am in waiting today. For what, I haven't the slightest. But I feel like I really want to do something, that I miss it, that I'm anxious because I forgot to start. I really wish I knew what it was. I doubt it is anything complicated nor life changing, most likely something social.

Ah wait, there it is. yup, It's just come back to me. I am in mourning, a sort of melancholy mourning. Mourning my old self, the self before motherhood. I do this often actually. Have a day or two when I am not sad but I feel bittersweet about life, and I think fondly back to those days when I could just go and do what I wanted to do. I think to myself "wouldn't it be just great if I could just go to a nice wine bar after work and maybe grab a bite to eat with friend?!"....wouldn't it just.

I find it odd that I feel like this sometimes, especially because of how very maternal I am. It's a dark conflict within myself that I have always lived with. This urge and craving to nurture, provide and care for the ones I love and then this willfulness to ditch all responsibilities, learn to be selfish and enjoy it.

Is this maybe a common things for mothers? I am totally dedicated to my most perfect Son, and I would never wish him away. But I day dream about the days that have passed and wonder to myself if there is some way I can have it back, have both. Have my damn cake and bloody well eat it.

I suspect if I was loaded this would probably be more attainable. S'ok though, I'll just keep it all as a dream for now. I'm going to go home and bake with my little boy now. Try to be as domestic as possible to wash out these sinful selfish thoughts.

Shame on me!

I have a question for you all; What do you miss?


Heavenly Housewife said...

I just wanted to say I think your honesty is awesome. I am not a mother but I think a lot of mothers feel the way you do and are afraid to admit it. What do I miss? I miss lovely sunshine, I miss the freedom of having a car and going out wherever whenever (but i am afraid to drive in the UK), I miss proper american pizza and ice cream. But heres the thing, never dwell. It doesn't help. Focus on what makes you happiest instead.
p.s. talk to your hubby and tell him how u feel. ask him if he wouldn't mind watching the baby for a while and you can meet up with friends, that doesn't necessarily have to end. Maybe u can have the best of both!

Pamela said...

I feel like I could have written this post! It's my opinion that MANY mothers feel this way, but we are afraid to admit it.

I have heard people gush after the arrival of their children, "I just don't remember what life was like before this baby came along!!" Well, I can honestly tell you that I most certainly CAN remember what it was like before my boys came along. And I miss it!! Oh, how I miss the freedom to simply think about myself first or to jump out of the car for a pack of gum! But, like you, I wouldn't trade my boys for anything. They are truly a gift. But I will always miss the old me and that life. Once you become a mother, you have to totally rediscover and redefine yourself, don't you?

Anyway, again...great post!

JennyMac said...

Eve...such a poignant post. I agree with you that it can be conflicting. We have these beautiful, healthy, happy children but we were in our mid 30s when we had our son, and quite selfish with our fabulous time and life. I appreciated my girlfriends who were VERY honest with me that it is amazing but it is also HARD work and some days, you feel like taking a big vacation. There is a girl in our neighborhood who scoffs at this and made a big deal once about how women should give up everything when they have kids. She will be a horrible role model to her children.

Bravo on this honest post.

Eve said...

HH - Aman on miss all the American too. Especially the driving. I will speak to hubby, the thing is though, I know it's not him, he's always encouraging me to go out and I know he'll always babysit, but I feel guilty for having "me" time or not being with Son. I think it's just a matter of me "diving in" so to speak. Thank you though. Oh, Also!
23rd would work for me, maybe this can be a step out the door for me. :)

Pam - Thank you. I always feel very alone when it comes to motherhood since my family is in the US and all my friends are bachelorette's who are not even sure how to hold my son. So thank you for showing I am not! What I miss is being able to go to the toilet in a public restroom when I am out on my own with Son! It's very difficult to fit a pram into a bathroom stall you know ;)

And what you said about rediscovering, yeah... I'm starting to see that. It's not about getting back who I was, but becoming who I'm going to be.

Eve said...

Jenny - It seems it is childless women that are always the biggest judge. I feel another post coming on in response too all these comments actually...made me think more :)
Thank you for your support!

Oh and HH again - Not dwelling. This is something my Therapist continues to tell me, and you are both right. I am happy now and I do enjoy my life, this is what I should focus on. :) Thanks again.