Tuesday, 8 September 2009

My worst nightmare

I have a lot of nightmares and/or strange dreams. I am always waking up in the morning thinking "what the f***" and sometimes Husband has woken me up in the middle of the night because I am crying. One of my most reoccurring nightmares is that of a normal morning at my house. I dream that I wake up and realize I've slept in and need to hurry to get ready for work. I have a quick wash, get dressed, pack my lunch and head to the bus stop. It is only when I get off the bus at work that I realize I forgot my son and I panic and there are no buses coming quick enough to go home, and no taxi's and nothing, so I run. I run so fast home my feet bleed and my legs cramp I am in so much pain and I am screaming and crying because I can't believe how horrible a mother I am, how neglectful, how my son should never forgive me. I never get home in my dreams, I always wake up while I am still running.

This is a pretty rough dream for me, as I can't imagine ever forgetting my son because I'm not a bad mother.

Mommy words posted an amazing blog recently about children being left in cars and dying of hypothermia, it's not exactly what you think and it has had me thinking for the past 24 hours. I've cried over the piece, yelled (at Husband) and been angry. I can't say much more than that because I think each person will respond to this differently. I've responded differently each time I've read it.

But I think it's worth a read and a good think...I'm linking this because it's really effected me today and I wish I had some coherent words to say but I don't. It doesn't of course help that I'm at work.

The article Mommy words linked "Fatal Distraction" I trudged through all morning and feel a little sick inside. Like my dream is all too real for some people. And I couldn't imagine not being able to wake up from it.

Also...I am going to share a very private, dark, sick thought here now...Please don't judge. I've recently been thinking about having number 2 child, as you know, and one of my arguments to Husband was that if we had two at least if one of them died we'd still have the other kid to keep us going strong, give us something to live for. Because I think if anything god forbid (and even writing this is making me tear up) happened to Son, I wouldn't be able to go on, and I wouldn't be able to have another child.

I know I KNOW these are horrible dark thoughts, and thoughts that are generally not welcome in the mind of a positive person... But I have them. often. I pain because of the love I feel for Son and I always always fear for everything for him. Really it's a miracle I have not bubble wrapped him yet and am in fact quite a laid back and relaxed Mum.

Alright, enough of this....

5 comments:

Heavenly Housewife said...

Its obvious why you are having this dream, but remember, its just a dream. And you are a fabulous mother! The only person who ever suggests otherwise is yourself. Have some tea and cake ... relax :D

Eve said...

Thank you darling... Tea and cake sound perfect! You already know me so well ;)

Miranda said...

First of all, I have dreams like that. When I was pregnant I would dream that the baby was the size of an apple and I would lose her everywhere. I would wake up terrified. I think it is our insecurities as a mom.

I think your an amazing mom by the words you write....

Eve said...

Miranda, again, thank you :) how many times will I say that?! Lots more I think! It's also nice to know I'm not the only one with those type of dreams, they're horrible aren't they?

Elizabeth said...

Definitely everybody has these dreams about things they feel responsible for. Imagining the worst doesn't make you a bad mom, by any stretch, it means you're prepared for anything.
Having a second child would be good for many other reason, other than insurance, number one being that it's lonely to be an only child, and the two little ones could be playmates and life-long friends.