Do you ever not like the person you love?
Husband and I have, what I think is a great relationship. We rarely fight, we make each other laugh, we have a good sex life, we're on the same level with parenting. We're a team. We enjoy each others company.
But sometimes, I don't like him. And I don't think it has to do with him particularly. I'm sure there is something he does that tips the balance (be it a smart remark, or just a funny look) but mostly I think it is down to my mood.
Yesterday I did not like him. I loved him still of course, but just looking at him pissed me off and I was wistfully dreaming of being a single mum. I assume (as I always do) that this probably has something to do with my past abuse and my "defenses" coming up. But it's a very odd feeling, especially since I know I have to so good (though, just for the feminist in me i have to say, he's got it pretty damn good too!).
I also wonder if this has to do with him hitting the big 40.
Did I mention I'm having his midlife crisis for him?
Best way to explain this is to try and remember when you were say 14-16. And you knew someone/had a friend that was 20-25. HOW OLD WERE THEY!!?! I mean, they were grown ups! Mature! And you would never put a 19 year old you knew and a 20 year old you knew in the same category, because, HELLO! 20 is SOOOO much older/cooler that 19. Then of course you reach the age of 20 and realize that actually you're still young and still don't know anything (thought you only realize the latter when you reach about 25...If you're lucky). Well this is how I feel now. During Husband and I's relationship I have been in my early 20's and Husband in his late 30's... But it was still his 30's. Now he's 40 and I can't stop thinking how that is 4 decades, and how really, if he had met me when he was 15, he could have changed my diapers...And met me when I was 20? baby sat me... And met me when he was 30? I would have been one of those annoying teenagers that think they know everything and he would have been stood there, hands in his pockets, shaking his head and mumbling to himself "stupid kids".
That's heavy man.
The thing is though, everyone that has ever met my husband or knows my husband will say he seems/looks younger than he is. And he does and he is. Most people when they see us together only think there is maybe a 5 year difference (It doesn't help I look way older than I am) so it's not like shockingly obvious to the "public", and everyone thinks we're a perfect match...
But I can feel it niggling at the back of my mind... It's all good now, but in 20 years, when I'm 45 and Husband is 60... Am I going to be resentful that he's not as active or whatever, and I still want to go.go.go?
I look at my father-in-law and signs point to no. He, in his late 60's is still extremely active and fit and handsome for his age. The men in my Husband's family age well. Hurrah! But it still scares me... Because let's be honest here, chances are Husband will pass away quite a while before I do. And, girls, I know they say black suits everyone, but not me.
- ▼ October (14)