Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Who am I?

I've been extremely broody the last few weeks. Upon deciding I did want another baby this promptly became the ONLY thing I thought about, and consecutively, nag Husband about. He's only partially into it. He wants to wait until we move to a bigger place and he gets a better job, which is totally cool with me as long as it's by December next year because I WILL be pregnant come next summer. Oh yes.

I often call husband in the middle of the day just to remind him I want him to knock me up. He sighs, laughs and refuses. I point out this means he'll get free sex and this usually does it for him... Oh, not that I charge him for sex with me, although I totally should because I'm that good. Thing is I can't get up the duff until I get my implant taken out.

You see, after an excruciating 24 hour labor with son the first thing I did upon exiting the birth centre was book an appointment for contraception. I of course went with the implant because THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD MISS THAT AND GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Keeping in mind the pains of labour were still fresh in my mind and the thought of ever letting another human being pass through my delicate lady parts was met with a resounding NO.

But now... 19 months down the line and I am broody again.

That was, of course, until Theta Mom posted about how time is taken from you when you have children. And then to top it of Kmama comment on this post saying how the jump from 1-2 children is a lot harder than anyone ever talks about... No one has talked to me about this for example... I figured it's be a piece of piss since I've already got it down to a pat with the first one.

So now, here I am, wind taken from my sails and feeling decidedly sick inside.

I know this is extreme but thinking about the lack of time I have for myself and even more terrifying the lack of thoughts I have for myself being even less than it is now... It makes me choke up and want to cry.

And I feel guilty for thinking this of course, because I love my Husband and my Son more than the world and I'm very lucky to not only have a strangely well behaved and laid back little boy, but also a helpful and supportive husband. So who am I to complain? But then when I really look at my day to day life I realize how little I do for myself and how hard I find it make time for myself even upon knowing I should and then when I do make time for myself how utterly guilty I feel for doing so and then of course, I don't enjoy my "me time".

So how will I cope adding another one to the mix?

And also... There of course, is that little bit of me that wants to shake my husband and yell "Do you realize how much I do and sacrifice for you two?!?!" and yes, I know it was I who asked this of myself and it is I who sets the expectations for myself so high. But doesn't he understand how becoming a wife and a mother have totally taken over who I am? To the point where I am wondering what happened to ME?

I know things have changed for him as well, I understand that. But nothing to the scale they have for me, if only for that fact that he at least knows how to stop thinking about me/son and have his alone time in his thoughts. And how he never feels guilty or worried about leaving Son in someone else's care, or how he doesn't rush home every evening from work desperate to spend time with me and son. Why can't I do those things?

I have always been maternal. I have always wanted to be the doting wife and mother. And I'm damn well good at it. But I am also 24 and well aware that when I try to think of interesting stories about my life their is not enough life lived to come up with any.

So what do I do? I feel there is no middle ground only the two extremes. Have more babies and dedicate myself solely to their upbringing, or run away and become a nomad.

Nomad is looking awfully appealing. But really, I want to find that middle ground...

But how?

4 comments:

JenJen said...

Have more kids. I have two and I wish I had more.
It gets easier; you already know that!

Heavenly Housewife said...

Why do you have to make such an important decision right away?

Loukia said...

It is a tough decision for sure. We had our second son when our first son was 2 and a half years old. It's not easy, but you will make it work... and now, my two boys are such amazing playmates... most of the time. But - 2 boys is pure craziness, too! OMG! And now, I'm starting to think about wanting a third child... a decision that is really tough to make! Good luck with your decision...

Eve said...

HH - That's the most helpful thing anyone has said to me regarding this. Thank you!


Loukia - That is what I want, a playmate for my son! I have lots of siblings and I don't want him to miss out on that. Before I had my Son I was set on having 4 kids!