Blowing some steam

I'm 25 in a few weeks... I like to remind everyone of this because to me it seems old but I know to you lot (and most of my friends) it makes them want to weep. Obviously not really but I do love saying "Oh, that was way before my time" when discussing things with friends/family. It's my little dig.

Despite being only 25 and the youngest amongst my friends and family here in England, I am often mistaken for being older. And when I say often I mean: Anyone that didn't know how old I was before they met me.

The general age bracket I am placed into is 26-30 at first glance. And upon discovering I am married and have a son this shoots up to 30-35.

Why? Ahem, and I quote: Because only stupid women would marry and have children before they're 30.

Why thank you.

Not only do I look old, but I'm stupid. It's cool. What do you think?
The reason behind this was that before 30 you are too young and immature and not ready and why would you throw your life away that soon?

It is often assumed amongst people that I was knocked up when I walked down the isle and that is the only reason I would marry someone 15 years my senior.

Isn't it funny how the majority of people wear blinkers? I am often shocked at how close-minded people are. And education has nothing to do with it, the above quote was said by one of the Psychologists at my work. A Doctor no less.

It makes me laugh because I hear their comments and then I look at what they are telling me about their lives and although of course I don't know the whole story they never come across as strong as you would expect. And here I am, yes; young. yes; married. yes; a mother. yes; fucking happy. I know I've said it before but I dig my life. I made the exact right choices for me.

And I say this without hesitation, I know I am a far better mother than some of the 30+ mothers I know. Granted two of these mother I know are completely bonkers. But you think my Son is so happy, and clever and brave and strong and confident JUST because we got lucky? No, a big part of that is because we are good parents.

Don't judge me because of my age or how I've chosen to live my life.

And while I'm on that note, there is nothing that saddens me and pisses me off more than women being nasty to women without any reason other than that they didn't do exactly what you did. I made a comment on my Facebook status about how I really enjoyed Belle De Jour and Billie Pipers interview

and pretty much every straight girl I know (none of my close friends thank god) commented on how they hated them because they were ho's and "not that good looking anyway" ... Shit, try and look a little deeper people. But first, why not try starting with yourself?

Don't tarnish me with your brush just because I like who I am.

/End Rant.

Theta Mom Thursday

Theta Mom Thursday is BACK. I couldn't be happier because one of husband and I's New Year resolutions was to get more "me time" for both of us, and this is one NY-res I've been keeping! Husband... not so much. But that's his problem, not mine.

Anyways, Me Me Me! Right?

I'll do a quick run down.

every 4 weeks Sunday evening myself and two of my girlfriends from work go to the pictures, it's a new well loved tradition for the three of us because we've managed to work out that if we pre-buy the tickets and then go to Frankie & Benny's for a pitcher of cocktail between us and a shared desert we only pay £15 each. and £15 for a great girly night out? Well, I'm not complaining.

I've been taking advantage of Christmas Gifts such as Lush Bath Products, Books from my wish list and bottles of wine. combined, this is a stella evening in for me and I've been making a point to do it weekly.


Another one of Husband and I's NY-res was that every 3rd Friday of the month we will be having "date night". Our babysitter has been organized and our first "date" will be next month.

January tends to be busier than December for me, mostly because my 4 closest friends all have birthday's and then it's February and it's Valentines day and my Birthday. So there will be lots of parties and dinners over the coming 4 weeks.

Also a new tradition has begun to brew in our household over the last 3 weeks.

Officially:

Monday is Baking Day - Son and I will endeavor to make those cakes I spoke about!

Friday is Margarita/Foodie night - Inspired by Pam over at Sidewalk Shoes, Husband will be in charge of making the drinks and I will be making a new "up market" grow up dinner. Just. for. us.

What did I say recently about 2010? I have a feeling I am going to be right.

O' Father of mine...tell me where have you been?

As you may all be aware I had an abusive father growing up and recently I have been in therapy finally dealing with my past and as they say ‘facing my daemons’. I say ‘Had an abusive father’ because although he is still very much alive and very much a part of my siblings lives and very much still a typical abuser (nothing special about him) he is not a part of my life now and no longer effects me. I remember when I started therapy the main focus was how angry I was at him and how I got even angrier when people told me I would have to stop being angry to get past the abuse. How could I? I had a right to be angry! I would never stop hating him.

I started therapy 8 months ago. Last Thursday was my last session. Not because our time was up or because I couldn’t hack it, But because I’m, for lack of a better word… Fixed.

And much to my surprise I’m not angry anymore. Not at all. A little sad, yes. But not about my Father, I’m sad I never had a father. I plan on writing up a more conclusive post regarding my time in therapy and how I feel now but this will be a more revealing post (dark but I think with a positive edge) so I’ll save it for my (rarely used) Psychoanalyze This blog.

But to sum up I’m good now. Unaffected. Acknowledging. Embracing. Strong. Proud. Brave. I’m not going to put happy there because even before therapy I wasn’t a un-happy person, I was haunted. I’ve always been a happy, chin-up kinda gal. But I’ve finally put down that big bag of shit I was carrying around.

I am sad though, in a nostalgic kind of way. What bought this on was Vicky’s post over at Frugal Mom Knows Best regarding her Dad and it made me realize I never had what she is describing, and never will. Like a lot of people I suppose but I don’t wish MY father had been that Dad, because he no longer exists in that context to me. But I do wish I had a Dad.

Vicky wrote this:
I TRULY believe that anyone off the street can be a biological father, but it takes a real man to be a dad. A dad is someone who worries about you. A dad is someone who teaches you, guides you, protects you. A dad is someone who leads by example. A dad is someone who will never be too proud to tell his children he made a mistake. A dad is someone who will absolutely never turn his back on you, will never give up no matter how many times you push him away. A dad is someone who will have a glimmer of pride in his eye as they watch you get a diploma, and a glimmer of tears as he walks you down the aisle. A dad is someone who will love your children as much as he loves you, because they are a part of you. A dad is someone who worries about you and checks your oil/tires/whatever to make sure you are safe. A dad is someone who wipes away your tears and brushes back your hair to comfort you. A dad is someone who hugs you so tight you can feel the love. A dad is someone that makes you KNOW you matter to him.

Reading that again makes me choke up because it seems like a nice thing to have. I’m lucky I suppose that I had my late-grandfather who is and always will be the best man I’ve ever known and my hero, and now my father-in-law who fills the hole quite nicely, but there is still that hole and it makes me miss my Granddad terribly.

My mother, who I have a very strong relationship with, wasn’t always able to make me safe and I forgive her now and understand why and also thank her because her mistakes have made me a better mother, which I am eternally grateful for.

What is it they say? … You are what you make of yourself not what they make of you.

Whatever it is, one of the things I love most is being me. I’m really quite a rad person to be. I mean, I’d read my blog… you know? ;)

P.S. I dig Vicky. Btw. You should too... Though I'm sure you do already.

P.P.S I have been reading your blogs and I have made a promise to myself to make time to comment too. I've had little time on the net lately and other than a quick read through my blogroll I haven't been able to do much.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Time to random it up chumps, and there is really only one way to get down with the Random and that's with Un Mom.

We'll start of with a little ego booster for yours truly.

While putting away some files at work (which of course involved a lot of bending and stretching) I caught two of my male work colleagues staring at my backside. It's not a first, but it was done in such a sit-com manner that I had to laugh out loud. They were both leaning back from their desks so far in their chairs they were toying with certain loss of balance. Not to mention when I caught them they both scrambled to sit up and look normal and then when they thought I wasn't looking gave each other a thumbs up. Nice boys, real nice.

I wish my husband told me stories. He's a funny guy and I KNOW there are stories to be told

but he never shares. Even when I prompt him I never get anything good.

Most recent example:

Me: How was work?

Him: Not bad, got in a fight with ____

Me: Really?! omg what happened?!

Him: He was being a dick

Me: Omg what did he say?!!

Him: Stuff.

Me: OmG Like what?!

Him: I dunno...stuff that pissed me off.

Me: ok...What did you do?

Him: *shrug* put him in his place.

Me: OmG like took him down tooooown!?

Him: .......what?

Me: .....how did you put him in his place?

Him: I just did.

FIN.

The end of story that I KNOW must have been more exciting than that.

It drives me mad because I know my Husband if he put his mind to it

and remembered such things would probably be the best blogging material

I could ever ask for. But no.

Does 3am mean anything to you? Well if you're like me and you like scaring yourself with movies based loosely around the devil/hell/all things anti-Christ then you'll know 3am is the hour of the devil. Apparently a prime time for paranormal and demonic activity. So did it worry me when after discovering (quite innocently) that my family and 3 of my girlfriends all awoke without reason at 3am on Friday night? Not particularly... How about when out of curiosity I asked everyone in my office and discovered that 14 out of 18 people had also awoken without reason at 3am and taken note of the time? ... No, I wasn't worried. But it did make me wonder why the other 4 people are so closed off.*

For the love of god why can't I find a Bundt Cake tin ANYWHERE* in this stupid country.

Chocolate with caramel in the middle does things to me my husband will never be able to do. Fact.

*Disclaimer: I totally don't believe in any of that, but it's cool to think about.

*Anywhere = Shops within walking distances of my house.

Bath Ballistic

This was my bath last night. I know what ya'll are thinking, and no, it wasn't because of that.

One of my Christmas presents was a box of Lush's Bath Ballistics. Which is all well and good and most of them were except Satsumo Santa. Satsumo Santa was a citrus Bath Ballistic and he was last to go from my box of lovely smelly's only because I'm not a huge fan of citrus bath products.

From the moment I dropped little fat Santa into my bath and he started to sizzle and deteriorate away I was disturbed. the pong that was coming from the bath water was a mix between orange juice and fermented bananas and to top it of the sizzling action that is part of these bath ballistics started to sound like poor little fat Santa was screaming for his life. I don't blame him though, I like my bath's scolding hot.

I let him sizzle away while I went into the bedroom to grab my towel and strip. When I came back the bath was...well see above. Red. Period blood red. Not even like an inviting red. But blood red. I called for Husband, asking if he thought I should follow through with this bath after all. He (while holding his hand over his nose) chuckled and said I should give it a go.

I climbed in and was accosted by the even stronger smell of gone off fruit and was now starting to fear for the pigmentation of my skin. Get the camera! I called to Husband and he took the photo and helped me out. We stood together and watched the sand like remnants of little fat Santa swirl around the plug hole.

Good riddance.

Tequila, Margarita, Mexican and Me

There are only three thing in the whole wide world I don't have the will power to say no too and they are Tequila, Margaritas and Mexican food. It's my true weakness. I physically get excited and giddy when the opportunity arises for me to have any of the previously mentioned three. We don't get it a lot here in the UK. Not good Mexican food or REAL Margaritas, so it is a special occasion when we do.

Husband is also a huge 'won't ever say no' fan and there is a mutual understanding that we might even love these things more than we love each other. Well not entirely true because if Tequila and Mexican do anything for our relationship it is bring us closer together. We always have a wicked night out when those three ingredients are involved. It almost feels like being young again...Us before Son and Marriage. It's invigorating.

So you can imagine my delight and quick change of heart when I was told my works (late) Christmas party would be held at Red & Green, a Mexican Restaurant... A Mexican restaurant I am ashamed to say I did not even know existed. After studying the website while breaking into a cold sweat I reconsidered my lack of enthusiasm at attending the Christmas Party were disappearing fast and I was over come by the need to Make.Sure.I.Was.There.

Instantly I called husband and he managed to through my excited garble decipher the words 'Tequila', 'Mexican' and 'Heaven' and without hesitation agreed we'd be going.

The only problem is, it being January and a 5 week month for Husband and I, money's pretty tight and too top it off my Wife and My Crazy friend are both turning 30 at the end of the month. Once of those parties is the night after the Christmas party and the other party is the weekend after... So really I shouldn't be going out this much, I mean I need to be responsible and after all I am a mother... It's not like I'm in my 20's anymo-.... wait.

No no, because you know what... It would just be pushing my bank account to it's limits if I did this. Went to this Christmas Party. It's not like I can ditch my friend's 30th...

BUT TEQUILA PEOPLE!!!!

Screw it. I'm doing it all... You understand, right?

In over my head

My father-in-law bought me this book for Christmas as he knows I'm a bit of a aspiring baker and I feeling particularly generous and brave last week handed the book around my office and asked everyone to tab one cake they would like me to make and starting next week I will make one cake a week and bring it into work.

All of these cakes look beautiful (Especially the fresh fig ones), some of them look like I could make them with no disasters, others look like I might mess it right up. But despite the out come being it baking success or baking disaster I have promised to bring the cake into work for praise, feedback and criticisms.

I've gotten back into my baking swing lately, though I am aware I haven't been posting about them, so no need to remind me. Mostly cookies have been on the menu lately. I've got Pam's ( @ for the love of cooking) Sinckerdoodles in the oven right now (which are to.die.for) and last week I made a slight adaption of this recipe. Added 1/4 tsp nutmeg and extra butter (thought I can't tell you how much) to make them moister...is moister a word?

So cakes galore starting next week. I'll be baking them Monday, taking them in to work Tuesday and then letting you know how it went down Wednesday.

Also I've decided I'm going to stop apologizing for not posting much... because at the moment I only seem to manage 3 (give or take) posts a week and I'm sorry guys... but that'll have to do for now, at least until my life gets more interesting.

one day...oh one day.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Welcome to my Random Tuesday Thoughts! If you don't know what this is (but I bet you do) go check out the very best Un Mom and she'll explain all.

Things that are good times:

• Hot musk and vanilla scented baths with a cup of maple tea.


• Finally finding something that distracts your kid for longer than 10 minutes.


• Finding your groove in your job.

Things that are bad times:

• Your son finding it hilarious to dump all his lego's into your bath.


• watching the movie Cars 4-6 times a day.


• finding out you might be out of a job within 2 months

The good news re: the job front is that it's not because I suck and don't get my work done because I'm too busy on blogger but because the NHS service I work for is being disbanded and they haven't figured out that I don't get my work done because i spend my time blogging. This does mean though that if I can't find a suitable part time job by end of March then I might have to consider...GASP... Full time. Yikes, I know. But hey, it'll only be until I go on my next maternity leave, right?

Right now.. All I want out of life is this. Click the link...check it out... you'll understand.

I'm not in highschool. I'm young, yes. But I'm not in highschool...In fact I'm married with a child and a job and so really I can't work and dedicate my life to a friend. In fact I don't think you're a very good friend if you expect me to do that. I also don't want to talk to you or anyone on the phone 3 times a day. It's not because I don't love you but simply because I don't have that many things to say to you. I also hate repeating myself which adds to this. Also I have lots of friends and I love them all and I want to see them all, so one taking up all my time doesn't float my boat. Also it's TOTALLY cool if we don't speak for weeks at a time because you know what? Good friends don't need too. One of my closets and most trusted friends I speak to once every 3 months and I haven't seen her in 2 years, but I know when I do see her it'll just be like old times. I'd also like to be able to spend a weekend without having plans or seeing anyone. And it should be ok to not invite anyone over because I just want to spend a Sunday at home with my Husband and Son. I shouldn't have to have a reason. I don't need to justify my life.

I'm pretty sure that's all normal stuff too...for adult friendships. Right?
Because we all understand that each other has their own lives as well.
right? ... You'd think.

breaking the rules

So far I've kept Husband pretty anonymous because...well, I don't want you all stealing him when you realize what a catch he is (I swear if i hear laughing now... *shakes fist*) but I thought I'd share this video demonstrating the kind of things Husband and I get up to once Son is in bed in a grand attempt to amuse ourselves.

it works.




P.S. The chick in the back ground isn't me. I'm behind the camera.

Sweet sunday

My devil child has been an angel this past weekend. Although he's reached the tantrum age when he IS being good he's better than ever. The sweetest thing. I guess that's how it works though, so we can get through the tantrums.

As you may recall I won Kevin's (at Closet Cooking) pay it forward. Christmas Eve I received my foodie package and saved it to open on Christmas. Kevin couldn't have done better by me. The box was filled with the most amazing maple goodies which is perfect since it's almost impossible to find good maple products in this country unless you're prepared sell your kidney on the black market to pay for it.

A bottle of 100% pure maple syrup which is sat proudly on my counter (I'm afraid to use it yet though because the sooner I use it the sooner it will be gone). A bag of maple sugar which I am soo psyched about because I can feel a cookie recipe coming on. A box of Maple Cream cookies which my.god are to die for. Totally moreish and perfect with my cup of tea in the evenings. I've been enjoying those very much over the past two weeks. Maple tea, which I haven't tried yet but will be trying tonight to accompany my bath, Canadian Mustard which I'm really interested to try since I'm a fan of mustard of any kind and some Japanese kit kats... Which I'd like to tell you about except my Son ate them while I wasn't looking so I didn't get any. He seemed to enjoy them though.

I'll be holding my Pay it Forward in a few months time once I've recovered from Christmas and my Son's approaching 2nd Birthday.

Did I mention I'm 25 next month. That's old. Ok fine... Not old. But it feels old. It feels old because I've really enjoyed being able to say I'm in my early 20's. Early 20's are good. Mid 20's? That's like saying "The fun's over but I still haven't come to terms with it"... I will never come to terms with it! :)

my winter wonderland

Everyone is England is making a big flap about this horrible weather. 30f and snow and ice and cold cold cold. But I think there's something kind of magical about it all. And I'm not talking about how pretty everything looks with a dusting of snow (because seriously...nothing can make Ilford and East Ham look pretty) but how people have changed. The same people that usually bump and rush past you on your way to work are now wishing you luck as you slide across the pavement, laughing with you as you both grab the same wall to prevent yourselves from slipping, older women clutching women in heels in an attempt to hold each other up. It's kind of nice... It's kind of like for a moment, busy London is becoming a community.

This all being said I can't wait for the snow to melt and the temperature to go up. I'd much rather be warm, unapproachable and stable on my feet than cold, on my back and smiling at my neighbor.


So, Christmas eh? A few things happened.
1) My Husband didn't completely fail at the gift buying this year.
2) I totally ROCKED the gift buying this year.
3) My Son was given a drum set....ihateyousister-in-law
4) My sister finally set a wedding date in May which means we can now buy our tickets to go home to California.
5) My Son is mature for his age and it seems has reached the terrible 2s.


He looks sweet doesn't he? playing with his gay kitchen... Well he's not. He's the devil. His mood swings are worse than mine when I'm full blown perioding it. One second he's happy and loves me and then OHMYGODEVERYTHINGISBADANDIHATEYOUFORBEINGTHEWORSTMOTHEREVERBECAUSEYOUJUSTTOLDMETOBECAREFUL.
It's alright if you didn't get that...

I'd describe the terrible 2's for you but I'm sure most of you know it from first hand experience or have seen it in action over the head of your frazzled friend/relative. Everything is no. He bites. He hits. He throws. He screams. He cries. He thinks it's the end of the world. He is totally inconsolable. Totally. And then... it's over and he's happy again.

Wotever. I'm so bored with it now. Husband thinks that since he's reached the terrible 2s early maybe they won't last as long...I then asked Husband "you do realize it isn't just the terrible two's right?... there's the torturous 3's and the frighting 4's and the fearful 5's and the sickening 6's"

Husband went into a corner and cried.

Oh and to add to this. Come March 25th we're trying for another baby! Hurrah! I know it seems very scheduled but it's because that's when my appointment to get out my birth control implant is. Should be knocked up by the 26th. We are taking bets though people. :)


I'm finding it hard to make myself find time to blog. Not because I don't want to be because I always feel I should be doing something.... productive.

This is productive though, right?

Well hello there...

Hello my friends! Ah, it's been too long, no? I have missed you. But please keep that on the down low, don't want it to get out that I've gone soft.

It's been a blissfully busy 3 weeks of Christmas/New Years mayhem. Lots of relatives to see and lots of people to clean up after. It was brilliant though and one of the best holiday seasons I've had. Only today are my feet finally touching the ground and I'm starting to remember real life. I'm a little relieved to be back at work actually, it's nice to have some normality and routine again.

Kid bro came and went and now my house feels empty without him. I'm suffering some serious home sickness at the moment which I'm dealing with by over planning my trip home (California) in May. Roll on!

I'd like to share hundrads of pictures with you but as you all know when it come to me and a camera we don't get along at the best of times so I'll maybe do some editing tonight and see if I can scrounge up a few. Accompanied by stories of course.

But for now, this is just to say I'm "back" and I missed you and I'm daunted by the task of catching up with my blog roll but also looking forward to it and I'll be back soon with those pictures but for now I really should get back to doing some work.

I hope you all had a fab Holiday period too! And I'm looking forward to where 2010 brings us all.