Thursday, 19 November 2009

What to expect when you are expecting.... The things they don't tell you.

Warning: Some of these can be quite... grotesque, shall we say?


1) During pregnancy you gain a full head of lush hair and loose the need to shave regularly. It's bliss.

2) Once you've popped the little rug rat out, your hair reverses it self. Your hair thins out on top to the point where you wonder if you will be bald this time next year and your body hair becomes so thick you start to resemble your great great ancestors...the apes.

3) Your stretch marks fade. The shadows under your eyes don't.

4) Your breast along with your nipples and areola double in size.

5) As soon as you stop breastfeeding your breasts disappear... BUT your nipples stay the same. Leaving you with breasts that look more like fried eggs...sunny side up.

6) Suddenly you can insert a tampon standing up, legs crossed, while clenching.

7) While pregnant you have the pregnancy glow; clear skin. As soon as your baby is out though prepare for puberty to hit your face all.over.again.

8) If you pull the loose skin on your stomach as far as you can you could set a boat to sail.

9) After using the toilet, while wiping if you're not careful you might accidentally "slip in"

10) Even if you loose all the baby weight and tone up there is something about your body that every time you look at it scream "You're a mummy now!"

11) You begin to compare things. For example, if you are in great pain you remind yourself that this wasn't as bad as labor. If you have to carry something heavy you compare it too the current weight of your toddler.

And finally, while brainstorming for this post I asked my BFF for help in the form of "What do I complain to you about?" and she replied with the following.

12) Your baby is attached to you in your womb then he is constantly attached to your breast, then your hip, then your legs and finally to your wallet, for the rest.of.your.life.


Have I really said that?.... Not totally surprising.

7 comments:

Heavenly Housewife said...

Oh my! Kind of glad i never had kids LOL! Eeeew!

Chelle said...

Hehe! Love it!

As we speak my hair is STILL falling out in massive quantities and my skin looks way worse than it ever did before...boo!

xo

Theta Mom said...

Amen sister...AMEN!!!
BTW, sooooooooooo glad to be back, I missed ya! ;)

Frugal Vicki said...

ROFL! This is too freaking funny! I like the eggs comment. I have every other horrible thing that could happen, but for some reason my boobs look the exact same as they used to. Don't know how.

ModernMom said...

Perfectly said.

Miranda said...

Ha! I think you just explained my life the last two yrs. This is so funny.

Emma Louise said...

So So very true! :)

Thank you for your comment! :D
My post was longer then what intended.
I don't blame you for not reading anything anymore on the subject. I've had to learn to keep my mouth shut when I read about this kinda thing in forums.

I thought it must of been recent that they stopped those adverts. As I thought I had watched one on aptamil milk whilst pregnant, which is why when asked in hospital I went with that as the advert said it was the closest to breast milk - I wouldn't of known that if it wasn't for the advert.

Oh how motherhood is a totally different way of life completely!x