Thursday, 29 October 2009

Theta Mom Thursday

Theta Mom Thursday everyone! This is my favourite time of blogger week. I really enjoy seeing what you other mumsies got up to and also occasionally stealing you ideas for my time outs! I do hope you don't mind.

Now again, I've said this a few times on Theta Mom Thursday; I find myself sitting here going over the past 7 days with a find tooth comb hoping to remember a moment when I spent 1 hour selfishly.

But not this week!

Last Friday there was a leaving dinner/drinks for someone I work with. At first I was reluctant to go because...Well sadly no other reason than I was quite fancying a night in. It was when I said this to myself aloud that I remembered that "A night in" was what I did pretty much every night. So I made myself go.

My Favourite work colleague (well call her Ms. Fave from now on) met me at Leicester Square and together we walked to Jade Gardens. We arrived late (Someone threw themselves under my train on the way in...SO inconvenient for me) so everyone was already there and we received quite the warm welcome. Most I think because myself and Ms. Fave rarely go out to the work gatherings thanks to prior arrangements (see: laundry night).

The dinner was wonderful. The food was amazing. And Ms. Fave and I ate until our hearts content! And STILL managed to get out of there paying under 20 quid! Result!

There is something immensely satisfying about sitting with a bunch of people you know but don't know. I love it because you get to make the small talk, ask the questions and stick your nose into their private lives. And, if you haven't guessed... I love to talk and more importantly I love to tell my story. I tell a good "my life story" because there is a lot to tell for a 24 year old, and it's mostly unconventional and interesting (waving my own flat, you know it!). Like I said, Dinner was wonderful.

Oh, did I mention I managed to get the whole table to burst into song? Hell yes I did.

Ms. Fave, Mr. Baldy (premature balding young psychiatrist. I say this with affection) and myself were discussing what song the two of them should sing for Karaoke. I, of course, took it upon myself to decide and sang (quite boldly mind you) "I'm...having the time of my liiiiiife" at which point (and I kid you not my friends) the rest of the table finished off with a resounding (if not slightly off key) "And I've never felt this way before!!"

I, simply, was the hero.

How was your Theta Mom Thursday?

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Randomness revolving around books and knitting due to not wanting to go to bed just yet.

Last week I finished reading The Pact by Jodi Piccoult (I'm attempting to get through all her published work at the moment) and found it rather heavy. As always a brilliant, gripping read, but none the less disturbing. And also...It was a movie, no? I only realized this about 3/4 of the way through when I started to remember what would happen. Obviously seen it before...A while ago though.

Anyways, as I briefly mentioned I'm attempting to work my way through Jodi Piccoult's work, which is an absolute pleasure but I always have to take a 2 book break after one of her novels. Usually something more light hearted, if I didn't, I would become Jodi Piccoult's characters I am sure, because she writes so damn well I start mixing myself up with the story. If this makes sense?

Well, after finishing The Pact I picked up The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs which I bought (along with most of my books) at the charity shop last week. On a whim. I use to knit and knitting will always remind me of my beloved late Granny.

I'm really into this book. And after having a quick google have realized it's been made into a movie due to be released next year. Should be good (not that I ever go to the movies). It's a fun, warm read and if you are anything like me (desperate to pick up some sort of hobby/craft in an attempt to finally become that "perfect mum") then you'll like this book, because it's again inspired me to pick up the needles and knit something! God knows what, nor where I shall start (since I no longer own a pair of needles and obviously do not have my Granny here to guide me) but I will! I will!

I'm going to HobbyCraft this weekend for SURE. Of course, I'll make a scarf first. Something......... Bright.

Wish me luck!

For Your Information

You probably haven't noticed but I have a second blog going. I call it "Psychoanalyze This" and It's essentially a place for me to get thoughts out relating to how my therapy is going etc. It's not nice stuff. Dark and heavy but I suppose my casual snarky wit is still in there... I have it private but if you are really interested in reading it I will happily add you with the warning that I ask not to be judged.

If you read THIS blog then hopefully you know generally I am a happy, bubbly, confident, laid back, ifnotsometimesslightlynuts, woman. And I am those things. Proudly. I am who I am because I worked my damn ass of to get here. No maybe I'm not "successful" like some would think but I came from a broken home with a broken soul (I really debated writing that for a loooong time because. CHEESEY.) and more importantly broken sense of self. And you now how I came out of that? All.By.My.God.Damn.Self.

No one "saved" me. In fact, still, no one will even acknowledge what happened too me (except my Husband, obviously). And that's fine because it doesn't define me and despite that, I have still become the person I always wanted to be. A strong and happy woman who, most importantly, is comfortable in herself. Hurrah! Three cheers?

Anyway, I decided to start this new blog because I didn't want to tarnish this lovely Young Wives Tale, and despite being in a really good place right now, Therapy is dragging up a whole lot of dirt that I do feel strong enough to deal with now, but none the less is shaking my foundations.

So, no better outlet than writing right? Right. I suppose I am telling you all about this blog because maybe it interests you or maybe you can relate and are interested to see my journey or know you are not alone. Whatever it is, feel free to join, but just know I am not looking for sympathy or people to hold me up. Just friends.

Edit: I said that no one saved me but there were quite a few people that helped me, gave me the courage/opportunity to help myself. Even if they were not aware of what they were doing. And for those people I am eternally grateful.


Do you ever not like the person you love?

Husband and I have, what I think is a great relationship. We rarely fight, we make each other laugh, we have a good sex life, we're on the same level with parenting. We're a team. We enjoy each others company.

But sometimes, I don't like him. And I don't think it has to do with him particularly. I'm sure there is something he does that tips the balance (be it a smart remark, or just a funny look) but mostly I think it is down to my mood.

Yesterday I did not like him. I loved him still of course, but just looking at him pissed me off and I was wistfully dreaming of being a single mum. I assume (as I always do) that this probably has something to do with my past abuse and my "defenses" coming up. But it's a very odd feeling, especially since I know I have to so good (though, just for the feminist in me i have to say, he's got it pretty damn good too!).

I also wonder if this has to do with him hitting the big 40.

Did I mention I'm having his midlife crisis for him?

Best way to explain this is to try and remember when you were say 14-16. And you knew someone/had a friend that was 20-25. HOW OLD WERE THEY!!?! I mean, they were grown ups! Mature! And you would never put a 19 year old you knew and a 20 year old you knew in the same category, because, HELLO! 20 is SOOOO much older/cooler that 19. Then of course you reach the age of 20 and realize that actually you're still young and still don't know anything (thought you only realize the latter when you reach about 25...If you're lucky). Well this is how I feel now. During Husband and I's relationship I have been in my early 20's and Husband in his late 30's... But it was still his 30's. Now he's 40 and I can't stop thinking how that is 4 decades, and how really, if he had met me when he was 15, he could have changed my diapers...And met me when I was 20? baby sat me... And met me when he was 30? I would have been one of those annoying teenagers that think they know everything and he would have been stood there, hands in his pockets, shaking his head and mumbling to himself "stupid kids".

That's heavy man.

The thing is though, everyone that has ever met my husband or knows my husband will say he seems/looks younger than he is. And he does and he is. Most people when they see us together only think there is maybe a 5 year difference (It doesn't help I look way older than I am) so it's not like shockingly obvious to the "public", and everyone thinks we're a perfect match...

But I can feel it niggling at the back of my mind... It's all good now, but in 20 years, when I'm 45 and Husband is 60... Am I going to be resentful that he's not as active or whatever, and I still want to go.go.go?

I look at my father-in-law and signs point to no. He, in his late 60's is still extremely active and fit and handsome for his age. The men in my Husband's family age well. Hurrah! But it still scares me... Because let's be honest here, chances are Husband will pass away quite a while before I do. And, girls, I know they say black suits everyone, but not me.

Monday, 26 October 2009

How to become a regular

1) Use names as often as possible without sounding creepy
This is a fine art and one I have down to pat. When you find an establishment that you want to become a regular at the first rule of thumb is too make sure you know them and t
hey know you. Always take note of your servers name and use it as often as politely possible (Example: "What would you recommend on the menu, Sam?") and always make sure you use their name when you are leaving ("Goodnight Sam, thank you!"). In turn try and use your own names as often as possible, so that the server picks them up (Example: "My Wife, Eve, will have a glass of white wine") and correct them when they say "ma'am/sir" with "Please call me Eve" (or Mrs/Mr/Ms. _____ if you prefer). But get your name in there! There is nothing like walking into an establishment and having the host call out your name with a smile on their face.

2) Pick a table, and stick to it!
You've got approximately two visits to choose your table and then STICK to it. Once you find that perfect space in the restaurant too you, let them know. When making your reservation ask them if your "favourite table is available", and explain which one that is. If the restaurant is good (and if it's somewhere you plan to go regularly then lets hope it is) they will remember this and never again will you have to ask for your table. Also having your "own table" gives you and the staff at the restaurant a sense that you belong.

3) Have a standing reservation.
This is the best way to let them know you're loyal. Once you have been a few times ask to put your name down for the same table the same time, once a month (or how ever often you like). Most restaurants will call you the day before or day of the reservation to see if you still are coming so if something comes up you can always cancel and reschedule if needed, otherwise just let them know you'll see them next month.

4) Keep them on their toes
Drop in every once in a while. Even better if it's on a time or day they are not use to seeing you. Even if it's just to stop for a quick morning coffee and bun. Again, if they're really good, they'll try and make sure you still get your favourite table.

5) Keep them happy
Other than being happy for the regular business you provide them, their real use for you is word.of.mouth. They figure, if you love them so much, you MUST be talking about them. So talk! Bring them more business. If you are a regular known face in a restaurant these are the best places to brings friends and family you want to impress. Restaurants tend to be very good at making you look popular and liked in front of your friends and family, so let them lavish you and leave your friends and family impressed with not only the restaurant you so wisely recommended but also with what a good rapport you have with the restaurant staff. Everyone is a winner.

Friday, 23 October 2009

The Birthday it self

So, Husband is 40. Officially.

As you know we had a surprise birthday party planned for him the Saturday before his birthday. Now, I don't know if it's the same for you guys but whenever I or someone I know organizes a party it starts out with 80+ people "guaranteed" to come and ends up with about 20. Well of course, this happened. I'm grateful to say this had nothing to do with my ability to track down people from Husbands past and present and more to do with the fact that the In-Laws insisted on holding the party a good 1+ hour drive from ANYONE in a town that no one knew with very bad transport links... Yes, cheaper than central London but at the costs of any guest coming.

They were surprised, I was not.

But despite the lack of bodies the people that mattered were there and we all had a fabulous time. The band was brilliant and I of course, tore up the dance floor like no one else. Doing all the classic white girl dance moves. Running man, sprinkler, skanking, body rock....You know, the cool ones! It was a blast. Oh except for one thing... Did I mention we didn't have a babysitter? Well we did, at first. Mother-In-Law said she would take Son home (he was going to be there for the first bit of the party and then head home to bed by 9) but then changed her mind as we were heading out the door because she wanted to party too... Oh right, thanks a freaking lot. So, I was torn. Leave my Husband 40th Birthday bash early, which I slaved over organizing for 2 months. Or, let Son stay up? ... He stayed up, of course.

He was well behaved, dancing on the dance floor, eating all the food, and he took it upon himself to climb into his stroller at around 10.30pm and go to sleep, so it was good. But I was still pissed off at Mother-in-law. Not to mention she spent a big part of the party sweeping in and taking Son off me when I was in the middle of things with him (dancing, throwing cake at each other... you know, the fun stuff!). I love her but she drives me nuts. properly. And I know I've said it before but I will be doing a post on the dynamics of the In-Laws...Eventually

The rest of the week was blissful days full or love, laughter and happiness. Or something like that. 3 out of 7 days Son went to Nursery and it was like....amazing. I mean, of course, I missed him (noididnt) while Husband and I hung out in Starbucks, took long walks in the park, shopped until out bank accounts were empty and ate at a different restaurant every lunch, but it was well needed bonding time. In which Husband and I could for the first time in what seems like 20 months focus on each other without worry about Son. Like I said, it was bliss. And to make sure we didn't feel too guilty about leaving Son in nursery while we gallivanted around we took him to the Zoo and Aquarium and for MacDonald dinners.

But most importantly? Husband and I found a real babysitter. Not an in-law, but a REAL unrelated babysitter. It's the best thing ever. Did I mention she will do it for free? She is Son's key worker at his Nursery and she loves him so much she recently offered to babysit him for free if we ever needed it. So we have made an arrangement to do it once a month and we did our first one last Friday. Husband and I have NEVER had such a relaxed evening out. Usually when the in-laws are babysitting we are worried because they are going out of their way to do us a favour (yes, they make us feel guilty about them coming to babysit) and are constantly rushing so we are not home too late. Well not now with our super duper lives around the corner babysitter! No siry!

But I will speak of this night out further in my next post, because during this first stress-free night out we found what we are now going to consider our regular dive. A place where we will be known and have a special table booked once a month.

More on this later though.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

They will build me up

I feel terribly bad about neglecting you and my blog this past 2 weeks and I have thought of you often and missed you sorely. I have not had any time for myself other than a sporadic 10 minutes in the evening when I don't have enough energy to focus my thoughts into any kind of coherent blog post.

Even now actually I shouldn't be typing this because I am at work and the amount of *$%! I have to get through before 5pm today is ridiculous. It seems while I was away my work load not only was not touched (despite it not being my soul responsibility) but also seemed to get larger than usual. I have been trying to truck through it the past through days but have only made a small dent despite having my head down at my desk non-stop. Today I have to get it done, really...But instead I'll blog!

It's funny, despite not have been blogging for very long (and not being very good at it either due to not making time) I already feel awfully attached to so many of you. I hate that I don't know whats going on with you all. Tonight I am making a point to make time for myself and sit down with my laptop and play a bit of catch up. It's also really frustrating because I've recently started following a few new fab blogs (and their queen bees have started following me too!) and at first glance I was so getting into finding out more and enjoying their stories, and now I almost feel I must start over.

Thank you though for all bearing with me. I have PLENTY of photos and things to tell, and I've insisted to Husband that once this week of catching up on "real life" is over he must encourage me to take 30-60 minutes in the evening for myself to just sit down on the lap top and get stretch m. I am always so busy doing something and nothing. flapping around the house with chores that can wait and then neglecting time to myself. But I'm a perfectionist, and I find it hard to stop! Isn't it ridiculous that I find it extremely hard to find time for myself or justify to myself why it's OK to sit down for an hour and blog or read or WHATEVER.

Must learn to be selfish. Must learn to be selfish.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Birthday busy

I'd like to think that you have all been wondering where I have been. I apologise for not warning of this absence before hand but Husband occasionally reads my blog and this past week and the rest of this week I have been in the throws of 40th Birthday Mayhem.

I have for the past 5 weeks secretly been planning a big surprise birthday party for Husband which was held on Saturday, which I have been DYING to vent and rant about on my dear blog here but I stupidly in a desperate attempt to get Husband involved in "things" gave him my blog URL. So I have had to be careful what I say.

We are both off from work this week and have lots of things planned through the week, so I really won't be around much, if at all, until Sunday. But this was just a pop in and say hello and let you all know whats going on.

As soon as everything cools down I'll be blogging about all the fun happenings with pictures to accompany.

I hope you guys can wait for me until then! I'll be thinking of you!

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Theta Mom Thursday!

Alright Theta Mom's! It's that time of week again! And I'm sorry to say this week I'm kind of cheating. But you know you've got to take what you can get!

Husband's Birthday is next week and I had to run an errand in Covent Garden in preparation for the celebratory day. So I grabbed the chance last night after work since I knew Husband would be home with Son. 5pm I hoped on the tube and headed for Holborn. Lucky for me one of my close friends works in Covent Garden and how could I pass up the opportunity for a coffee and a gossip when I was in the area?

Due to the weather all coffee houses were full so we got a take away and trudged through the rain and down Endall Street as we scoured shops for my prize.

The visit only lasted an hour because I did have to get home to the boys, but the packed tube and the wet frizzy hair were totally worth that 60 minutes of gossip and luke warm coffee. Just to have a little bit of time without boys.

It made me realize I don't need much more than that. I don't need to organize a big outing once a week to get away from my boys, just a quick coffee and a breather do the job nicely. Of course that doesn't go to say I don't want big dinners and such with friends etc. but It's ok if they're few and far between, as long as I get the 1 hour breather.

So I take back what I said first, I didn't cheat.

Thanks again Theta Mom!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Who am I?

I've been extremely broody the last few weeks. Upon deciding I did want another baby this promptly became the ONLY thing I thought about, and consecutively, nag Husband about. He's only partially into it. He wants to wait until we move to a bigger place and he gets a better job, which is totally cool with me as long as it's by December next year because I WILL be pregnant come next summer. Oh yes.

I often call husband in the middle of the day just to remind him I want him to knock me up. He sighs, laughs and refuses. I point out this means he'll get free sex and this usually does it for him... Oh, not that I charge him for sex with me, although I totally should because I'm that good. Thing is I can't get up the duff until I get my implant taken out.

You see, after an excruciating 24 hour labor with son the first thing I did upon exiting the birth centre was book an appointment for contraception. I of course went with the implant because THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD MISS THAT AND GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Keeping in mind the pains of labour were still fresh in my mind and the thought of ever letting another human being pass through my delicate lady parts was met with a resounding NO.

But now... 19 months down the line and I am broody again.

That was, of course, until Theta Mom posted about how time is taken from you when you have children. And then to top it of Kmama comment on this post saying how the jump from 1-2 children is a lot harder than anyone ever talks about... No one has talked to me about this for example... I figured it's be a piece of piss since I've already got it down to a pat with the first one.

So now, here I am, wind taken from my sails and feeling decidedly sick inside.

I know this is extreme but thinking about the lack of time I have for myself and even more terrifying the lack of thoughts I have for myself being even less than it is now... It makes me choke up and want to cry.

And I feel guilty for thinking this of course, because I love my Husband and my Son more than the world and I'm very lucky to not only have a strangely well behaved and laid back little boy, but also a helpful and supportive husband. So who am I to complain? But then when I really look at my day to day life I realize how little I do for myself and how hard I find it make time for myself even upon knowing I should and then when I do make time for myself how utterly guilty I feel for doing so and then of course, I don't enjoy my "me time".

So how will I cope adding another one to the mix?

And also... There of course, is that little bit of me that wants to shake my husband and yell "Do you realize how much I do and sacrifice for you two?!?!" and yes, I know it was I who asked this of myself and it is I who sets the expectations for myself so high. But doesn't he understand how becoming a wife and a mother have totally taken over who I am? To the point where I am wondering what happened to ME?

I know things have changed for him as well, I understand that. But nothing to the scale they have for me, if only for that fact that he at least knows how to stop thinking about me/son and have his alone time in his thoughts. And how he never feels guilty or worried about leaving Son in someone else's care, or how he doesn't rush home every evening from work desperate to spend time with me and son. Why can't I do those things?

I have always been maternal. I have always wanted to be the doting wife and mother. And I'm damn well good at it. But I am also 24 and well aware that when I try to think of interesting stories about my life their is not enough life lived to come up with any.

So what do I do? I feel there is no middle ground only the two extremes. Have more babies and dedicate myself solely to their upbringing, or run away and become a nomad.

Nomad is looking awfully appealing. But really, I want to find that middle ground...

But how?

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Puff puff

I'm a smoker.

There I said it.

As a smoker, I of course know all the horrible things smoking does to me. Trust me. I know it all. But I still choose to smoke. I have no inclination to quit at the moment although I like to think one day I will. Just not now. Why? Partly because popping outside for a cheeky fag while Son is napping, or in the evening when he's gone to bed and Husband is checking his e-mail, gives me thrills. It's the only time I am doing something that has nothing to do with Son or Husband. It. Is. Mine. It may be bad for me, but it is still mine.

One thing all smokers hate is being told and nagged to stop smoking. And to hear, the whole "do you know what those things will do to you!?" ... YES. We do! Really! And guess what! We've got enough with our mother's breathing down out necks and pressuring us to quit without you adding to that. And NO it doesn't make me more likely to quit, if anything it makes me want to start chain smoking in a little one-finger-up to you salute.

Really. It must be the most annoying thing in the world.

And what gets me is 90% of the time the people who are nagging me are people who don't actually care about me. And I don't mean that in a "boo hoo, why don't you love me?" sort of way. I just mean they are random work colleagues, who occasionally I do the niceties with when we happen to bump into each other at the water cooler. But other than that, there is no talking, or how do you do's. So WHY do you feel it's your place to ask me what I am doing when you see me going out for a fag, or to leave posters on my desk with quit smoking help lines.

If you're not careful, next time I light this bad boy up, it'll be right up your ¬£$%$^¬£¬""%&*

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Still out

Just another quick one to say I haven't forgotten about you and I'm getting mighty frustrated and not knowing whats going on in the blog roll. But yesterday it all came to a head and after a fight with my GP about why I didn't want to go to the A&E/ER (Who would look after my little man?!)

I was drugged up on super strong pain killers and antibiotics in an attempt to make me better. This morning it seems it's working but I feel like a new born, unbalanced, fuzzy and unable to keep my attention on one thing.

Husband last night apologized for being a toss pot (those weren't his exact words of course) which he only did after he realized how bad it was when his mother called him from OUR house asking why he was coming home late when he knew his wife was sick.

The in-laws ended up coming and taking Son out for the day when I was prescribed the painkillers and realized they knocked me right out.

It all started when I woke up. Wasn't feeling any better so made an appointment at my
GP's (who I happen to live next door to) 5 minutes after hanging up with the kind receptionist this crippling pain started across my chest, side and back (my ribs essentially). Now, I have a very high pain tolerance generally but I have to say, this was worse than childbirth. Seriously. I was on the floor crying and screaming while still trying to smile for my son and explain mummy was just being silly. I dragged myself next door and into the GP's waiting room where upon seeing me my GP suggested I go to A&E for an X-ray. I through my yelps of pain told him unless he planned on babysitting, it ain't going to happen.

I wasn't going to dare call Husband and ask for his help, not I doubted he would have helped, but because I didn't want to give him that satisfaction of knowing I needed him after the way he acted. this is when I called the In-Laws.

Anyways, feeling much better today but decidedly drugged up and I hope this post makes some sense because I'm not sure if it will.

Hopefully come Monday I'll be back to my old self and will be able to catch up with everyone, but until then please forgive my distance from it all.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Theta Mom Thursday!

I'm quite chuffed with my Theta Mom Thursday attempt this week. There was a Transcendental Meditation hour long presentation available to staff at my work this week and I jumped at the opportunity to attend and find out more.
I grew up with and around meditation. I remember there was a period when my father would organize nightly meditation sessions for the family. We would all sit in the living room and my father would talk us through it. I must have been under 10 years old, but I always remember how much I enjoyed it and I always hoped that if I got good enough I would start to float.
Lately I've been feeling I need some sort of inner peace. Some salvation not just from my busy life with my lovely boys (which I love, but we all know a little me time is what this is all about) but also salvation from all the "dark" (excuse the cliche) thoughts therapy is bringing up lately.
So I dove right into this presentation with no hesitation to raise my hand and ask every question I could think of.
I know, I know, this is going to sound C.H.EESY but I feel this could be my way to peace with myself. He sold it very well and I'm not the gullible type nor a believer in "mambo jumbo" as I usually call it. But I'm willing to try anything once!
Apparently people who practice Transcendental Meditation (And I have a friend who does) find they have better quality of life within themselves. Their not hippy and all fairies and shit, but they just get it. Transcendental Meditation isn't about enlightening yourself it's about allowing your body internal rest and your mind to Transcend (aaahh, get it) the way nature intended so that your body can heal and balance yourself. Nothing magic about it, it's all about nature. The scientific studies done on it (because ya'll know I'm one for research) are quite interesting....
So. Who's fallen asleep?
it's alright, it's not for everyone, but I got that hour dedicated to myself and also took the first step to my self improvement. I will always be improving!

Mr. "Chilled"

My Husband declares himself one of the hardest people to wind up. He's Mr. Cool.

Except, of course, when it comes to me.

This I find amusing and sad. Amusing because he has SO many tics. Husband is a little arrogant. Which is one of the things I love about him. But also my main cause of strife. He truly believes he is perfect. Which of course means, he does not need to try.

Husband also is missing the part of his brain that allows for sympathy for other human beings. He's not one of those men that gets Man Flu. He rarely gets sick and if he is sick he pretends he's fine and trucks on.

So... Imagine if you will; I'm sick. sick like I am dragging my feet as I come home, coughing and gripping my side in pain, feverish, yet know, GENERALLY unwell.

I won't go into detail, but surf ice to say, husband was mean. This is not unusual. He can be quite intolerant over little things (Like for example, I shut the cupboard door to loudly. This ensues into him accusing me of having no manners and blahblah...I stop listening). So there I am on the couch, dying (right, not dying. but still) and I say to him "please don't be mean to me tonight" to which he responds something along the lines of "I'm not going to be mean to you if you stop being such a pathetic lump on the couch".... I...simply.... sigh. Why did I expect anything else? He is not sympathetic and if anything gets even more irritable at sickness. There was a lot more rudeness in between then and that evening. And I didn't get to bed early because son was refusing sleep...But the worst?

In the middle of the night I awoke from a dream in which Husband was strangling me, so waking up my first reaction is to take a huge gasp of breath which then started me off coughing. And not like normal coughing; like whithering, can't catch my breath, think I might puke, shooting pains through my body, coughing. So there I am at 2am shoving my face into the pillow to try and keep my dying as silent as possible (YES, I know. Not dying...wotevah) and what does husband do upon awaking to discover his most beloved struggling to breathe?

Grumbles. Rolls over. Mutters something about being quite and him needing sleep. and then tells me that if its so bad I should go get some water.

I of course can't agree with him more. I need water! but I'm too busy trying TO BREATHE to get any. Of course, he doesn't offer....Despite me being, you know, married to him and shit. Which is cool, if that's how he wants it. I can TOTALLY stop being considerate and thoughtful towards him... Who am I kidding, no I can't.

Anyways, I eventually managed to claw my way to the fridge for some water and when I came back Husband suggested I take the day off work. Sweet, no? No. He didn't say it sweetly. His tone of voice said "I'm fed up with you".

Fed up with me? Fed up with me because I am sick? It's not like I can help it. Asshole.

There. Spewed it. I've been meaning to say something about this attitude of his for ages. Because, yes, although Husband is pretty darn great, he is far by perfect. BUT because he THINKS he is perfect he is getting less great day by day. If that makes sense? I don't want him to be perfect, because I am not, I just want him to try, like I do. Effort. I want effort. Oh, and kindness. Oh, and his balls on a silver platter.

Disclaimer: Husband is not abusive. He is not aggressive and he is not a bad husband. This post is merely me complaining about the things I feel effect our relationship (i.e. his short fuse) and his faults. Which of course, everyone has. Including *gasp* me. It is my prerogative as his wife to be able to complain about him. You all know that.